抗癌312天，化療241天，第16輪化療第二天，今天過後還有八天共32顆化療藥在等我。今天胃腸有比較緩和，但眼睛乾澀一直掉眼淚流眼屎，未來8天估計哪裡都不會去，頂多附近走走，把有氣力的清醒時間拿來充實一個人的居家生活。
剛剛無意間打開Notability，發現到非常潦草筆跡的記錄，時間是得知罹癌後的第三天，想起來是300天前的一個深夜，睡不著想著癌、死亡與生命，乾脆起床開小夜燈，拿起iPad順手打開很久沒用的軟體書寫。總共五頁mark了編號12點。
第二天後就沒有再打開app看，事實上忘了這回事，直到剛剛。我試著辨讀自己那夜的塗鴉，300多個日子態度原來一直沒有改變，果然是個讀書人，以為在無奈的重複治療流程中，思緒已成灰燼裡模糊的瑣碎星火，原來理念與精神始終都在暗地裡默默支持著骨肉之軀。
讓我覺得驚訝的是，塗鴉裡快筆記錄下的12條孤寂暗夜裡的微弱絲/思緒，竟然比10個月飽受折騰後的此刻還要神智清明（或許，這是當然的事，身體的殘廢苦痛一旦習慣了，人的心思也跟著付出代價變得遲鈍），對於癌細胞的描述，對於時間=存在的敏感，尤其纖細。
時間不早了，明天再來一句一句謄寫出來，好好跟抗癌最初起跑線上的自己敘舊，回憶這段時間不堪回首的點點滴滴，讓他在我身上振作甦醒，精神煥發地一起繼續走下去！
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“Still Here”
Day 312 of Living with Cancer
Day 241 of Chemotherapy
Cycle 16, Day 2
There are still eight more days ahead. Thirty-two pills waiting for me.
My stomach felt a little more settled today, but my eyes are dry, leaking tears and sticky discharge. I probably won’t be going anywhere this coming week—at most just a walk nearby. I’ll try to spend whatever lucid energy I have filling my days with a quiet, solitary kind of home life.
Just now, by pure chance, I opened Notability and stumbled across a string of notes written in an almost unreadable scrawl. The timestamp said it was the third day after my diagnosis. That would be over 300 days ago—deep in the night, when I couldn’t sleep. I remember: instead of tossing and turning, I got up, switched on a small night light, grabbed the iPad, and opened an app I hadn’t touched in years. I began writing. Five pages, twelve scribbled lines of thought.
After that night, I never opened the app again. In fact, I’d completely forgotten it existed—until now.
Reading it again, trying to decipher my own fevered scrawls, I realize something unexpected: my attitude hasn’t changed. Not really. Even after all this time, even through the grind of treatment, the exhaustion, the slow erosion of self, something fundamental has stayed with me.
I suppose I had thought that my ideals, my inner clarity, had long since crumbled into ash—scattered among the endless repetition of hospital routines. But it turns out that the core of my thinking, the spirit that quietly anchors this weary body, was always there, working silently in the background.
What surprises me most is this: those twelve quick-fire lines written in the solitude of that night are, in some ways, more lucid than how I feel today—after ten months of this journey. Perhaps it’s only natural. The body adjusts to pain, becomes numb. But the mind pays a price for that numbness. It dulls too.
The lines I wrote about cancer, about death, and about time-as-existence… they were delicate, yes. But also sharp. Uncompromising.
It’s getting late.
Tomorrow, I think I’ll transcribe those lines one by one. Sit with them. Talk to the version of myself who stood trembling but unbroken at the starting line of this long, impossible race. I want to remember what he felt, what he saw, what he believed.
And maybe—just maybe—I’ll let him wake up again inside me, and walk beside me for the rest of the way. Strong. Clear-eyed. Undaunted.
）。失敗或者成功還不知道，但我還是非常敬重這樣有自己格調的個性企業。
：這是Jerry衝動「想寫些什麼」的熱身前言，抽象呢喃只是要快打catch the moment。
狂，
。
。如果另外喝了300cc（例：配餐果汁）左短邊加畫一斜線；如果多喝完500cc（例：手搖飲，放心都是無糖去冰）右長邊畫一線；喝完一杯這個Snoopy杯（The cup of all cups)，就兩邊都畫線，超酷！
GET!
得意有風？
，感謝
。
First Step -----Jerry的日記部落格 